October 2012                   

It's Just A Stretch of the Road

I'm running into a lot of women lately who are feeling like they're in a rut.  They have come to a point in their lives where they are finding themselves lacking clarity and a sense of direction.  As women, they are expected to carry on but life feels different for some reason.  It's not necessarily a good different but it's not a bad different either.  They just simply feel compelled towards change.

The problem is, they can't quite label what that change might look like. 

If this is you, you are not alone. 

Suddenly (or gradually), you feel challenged to do or be something more than who you are in your current life.  You may be wondering what is next or you're simply searching for more meaning.

This inner turmoil feels like you're trudging through the mud with no real destination and no clear path.  You can't quite put your finger on exactly what and why you are feeling the way you do but you know there is something shifting within you.

This shift can feel downright uncomfortable.  Really, really uncomfortable.  But remember this, in the words of author, Dr. Tom Barrett, "It's just a stretch of the road."

It's difficult when we are smack in the middle of a transition, especially one we can't quite identify, and it's easy to forget that we won't be sitting in this dark space forever.   Try to remember that what you place your focus on will determine how long you stay in the dark.  We can focus on resisting the shift and force ourselves to stay safe on the "way it's always been" path , or surrender, trusting in the doors that will most definitely open before us.  

A few tips that may help:

• Keep a journal.  Date and record your thoughts, your fears and even your dreams when you wake up in the morning.  Be aware of any intuitive moments when you seem to be attracted or guided towards a specific direction.   
• Be open and willing to accept that your possibilities are endless and that you are capable of creating new realities  in your life in ways you haven't even dared yourself to imagine.  
• Communicate your thoughts to a trusted friend, spouse, partner, counselor or life coach.  When you reveal your fears, they become smaller and the extra support can make this space, however vast it might be, easier to endure.  Be willing to seek wise counsel if you need it when you are ready to explore a new way of thinking, being or doing.  
• Be patient.  Trust that when the time is right, you'll figure it all out. 

Lastly, focus on knowing that there is beauty in the darkness, because without it, we will never truly know the light.  

You really are that powerful.

July 2012                   

The Good, the Bad and the Yikes!

You know when you just feel like screaming....when you are over-flowing with feelings of being overwhelmed, and if you don't release them, you'll either explode or drown?

Though they don't feel it, times like these can be blessings; opportunities to see more clearly.  Some of my best moments of clarity and wisdom were born from some of my most ugly.  For example, I remember a time one December when I had just put up all the electric candles in the windows to begin my Christmas decorating, one of my favorite past-times.  My husband arrived home and made a sarcastic comment related to our house looking like Fenway Park that he meant to be funny.  Let's just say that electricity can be a hot topic in our house so I took his comment that was meant as an innocent joke to the extreme and I lost it.  Not just a little lost it.  I lost it big time. 

I ran through the house like a crazy drama queen, pulling out the lights, muttering how I was sick and tired of not being able to have any lights on in the house....ever (insert dramatic tone here).  Other rants included how I should buy him a ticket to the island of darkness where he'll be very happy there because there are no electric bills....he can then keep his money in his pocket where he at least can feel it because it will be too dark for him to see it.  I continued to mutter the ridiculous as I stalked around the house un-decorating like a crazed wild-woman on the loose.  I can still remember my husband and kids, lined up, immobile, cautiously amused by my behavior yet no one daring to speak or move.  An alien had invaded mom's body and they weren't dumb or brave enough to question its madness.  Uncharacteristic of me, I then got in my car and drove away.  In a nearby parking lot, I called one of my closest friends and through my tears, I vented to her about how aggravated I was and how I was sick and tired of this and that.  When I was finished with my rant, instead of a compassionate response, my friend cracked up.  Not just a little chuckle.  She cracked up big time. 

Her response was exactly what I needed.  Suddenly I started to feel more grounded and the real me began to return to my body.  Now on this particular night, I identified the "alien" as hormones run amok but sometimes the "alien" can be stress, illness, not taking care of ourselves, putting everyone's needs first or all of the above. 

I arrived home less than an hour later to a beautifully lit up house, every candle returned to its window.  As I reflected on the situation I had just created,  I couldn't help but be fascinated by my own humanity and imperfection.  Of course, I was well aware of both before this day but the extent to which my emotions took over me really got me thinking.  Although it certainly wasn't the first time I had "lost it", for some reason, I was able to be a keen observer while in the moment this time.  Even though I couldn't seem to reach my own "off button", it was like I was an outsider, watching myself go though my own little mini self-destruct session, releasing venom yet simultaneously, I found myself curious and interested in how out of control we can all feel at times.

Sometimes it's these ugly moments that opens doors for self understanding.  I continue to be in awe of the cycles and rhythms of the human body and their effect on our behaviors and choices.  That moment reminded me that it's impossible for me to handle myself in an exceptional way at all times.  Years ago, I would have beat myself up over an outburst like that and I certainly wouldn't have gracefully accepted it coming from someone else.  Now I know better; there are days when our behavior will be stellar, there are days when we hold it together and then there will be those rare days when any sense of harmony has escaped us and.....yikes. 

I'm not advocating making excuses for repeated bad behavior. However, it's wise to not allow those out of balance moments to define us, giving us the freedom to own it, fix it and move on quickly.  Learning to accept the good, the bad and the ugly in both ourselves and others is seeing the humanity and therefore the inescapable imperfection in each of us.  So when you're tempted to take life too seriously, sometimes a good laugh at yourself and embracing the visiting "aliens" in others is a more effective way to respond to the chaos.

You really are that powerful.

May 2012                   

Powerful Baseball and Bathrooms?

This past Mother's Day, my family and I attended a baseball game.  Several rows in front of us, sat a beautiful mother - in all senses of the word.  Her grace overwhelmed me at times as she cared for her seriously disabled child.  As she appeared to enjoy the game and her time at the park, her gaze never stayed on the field for more than a few seconds.  She lovingly checked on the adorable child beside her, suctioning his lungs every 5 or so minutes and attending to his many needs.  She appeared at ease and light-hearted, smiling often at both of her young children and her husband. 

I caught my own children watching this mother on several occasions and at one point, my daughter looked at me with her big, brown, compassionate eyes and said, "Mom, that's what you mean when you say to me, 'How blessed are you that you get to clean and vacuum your bedroom', isn't it?"  I nodded yes and asked her, "How might that little boy feel about jumping out of his wheel chair, no tubes attached to his body, with healthy legs and arms to clean his room?"  No answer was necessary as we continued to be graced by the presence of this beautiful family. 

Later in the evening, my daughter and I were impacted by another strong woman.  We entered a public bathroom and was greeted warmly by the attendant responsible for keeping it clean.  She diligently wiped down the faucets, walls and counters as she sang and hummed happily.  As we walked out of the bathroom, we couldn't help smiling at each other; more evidence from the day that happiness is not a result of external circumstances but a conscious choice.

For the rest of the night and up until this very moment, I think of these women and the lessons they shared with my family and I and it brings to mind the incalculable effect we all have on each other.  There's a universal law I learned about from a favorite author, Andy Andrews in his book, The Butterfly Effect.   The Law of Sensitive Dependence Upon Initial Conditions confirms that when a butterfly flaps it's wings, it moves air molecules which in turn moves other molecules of air, which affects other molecules of air and others, and so on, having the ability to affect molecules of air on the other side of the earth. 

The law insists, like a butterfly, we all affect each other, just by being ourselves, in ways we can't imagine and will never even realize.  My family and I were both greatly and gratefully impacted and our thoughts and decisions will be different in various ways as a product of these "chance" encounters on Mother's Day.  How our resulting choices might positively affect others, maybe even you, we'll never know.  But the point is more usefully applied to the realization that each of us is like a butterfly and we never know who might be watching and influenced by the flapping of our wings.

You really are that powerful.

March 2012                   

Powerful Parents, Powerful Kids

As a former manager  in the sales industry, one of the many things I came to learn about myself was that I wanted to be a leader nobody needed; although it took me awhile to get there. 

I aspired to be the kind of coach that, instead of showing people the way, would show others their strengths so that they could see the path for themselves.  I succeeded with some and failed miserably with others but each person I mentored brought me closer to understanding the truth that I now know: all the power we will ever need to be successful, happy, fulfilled, peaceful and content is within every single one of us and accessing that power is, without question, a choice. 

After many years, I now seek to incorporate this concept into everything I do, including parenting.

Let me be clear, if the term "powerful parenting" means never losing your temper and being consistently calm, level-headed, controlled and balanced at all times, then I declare that I am completely unqualified to write another word here.  Luckily, it's my belief that although the powerful parent demonstrates and encourages many significant values, perfection is far from one of them. 

With good reason; we are human beings raising human beings.  We are imperfect by our very nature.  An important perspective for our children to be exposed to as it points out that there is not a person alive that exists without  personal weaknesses and imperfections.  At the same time, we want our kids to see that what makes them special and unique, exists within others as well.  Armed with this knowledge as a foundational belief, our children are inspired to be different, to be quirky, to be themselves....and be perfectly okay with that. 

Powerful parenting also requires that we grow in our own self awareness, willing to see those characteristics within ourselves that no longer serve us or our family.  This willingness models for our children one of the single greatest traits they will ever learn to develop; responsibility.

Powerful kids understand that they are responsible for their thoughts, their actions and their reactions.  They know that they matter and that they make an incalculable difference in their families, in their communities and in the world.

Here are some questions to ponder as we seek to raise powerful children:

• How can we influence our children to care about who they choose to be and how they show up in the world?  How can we use these concepts to help them learn to self regulate their own behavior?
• How can we give our children space to make decisions and to make mistakes in an effort to encourage strong minds and independent thinking?  How can we approach those mistakes in a way that kids perceive them as a learning experience versus an opportunity to be ashamed?
• Instead of following the status quo and teaching our children that "words hurt", how can we help them to build a personal arsenal?  How can we urge our children to understand that strength comes with learning self compassion which provides the ability to not take anything personally?  How can we support the perspective that someone else's choice to bully, insult or control is in fact showing signs of great weakness?   
• How can we place more focus on empowering our children rather than consenting to the belief that their happiness or success depends on someone else's choice to be "nice"?  How do we help kids forgo the underdog status and embrace more empowered and self supportive belief systems?  
• In what ways can we encourage resourcefulness and resilience in our children?
• In a world of technology where the latest gadget is a must have, how do we instill an attitude of gratitude?  How do we take that concept to the next level and help our children to learn to perceive problems as an opportunity to practice a skill that will benefit them for the rest of their lives?  

My goal here is to stimulate thought-provoking conversation between parents and their kids and to challenge us all to view our instrumental roles through a different lens.  In having these discussions with my own children, I have slowly come to learn that the simple question, "Who will I choose to be as a parent" keeps me focused on my desire that my children know just how powerful they really are and how important it is to me to lead them in a way that encourages them to lead themselves. 

Who will you choose to be?  Your loving influence is without question the greatest gift your children receive from you. 

You really are that powerful.

January 2012                   

Support for Your Goals in the New Year

It's here again.  Goal setting time.  We get geared up, we look at all the things that aren't working and remind ourselves of all the things we need to accomplish; eat better, make more money, acquire more stuff, finally fit into the skinny jeans we've been saving, exercise, achieve, achieve, achieve.  We each have different ideas on what it is we want to be different in the new year but we all share the challenges that come along with making it happen.  Let's face it, if it were easy, we would have achieved it a long time ago.  If it were easy, we wouldn't be ready to give up by February.

I believe it's important to go deeper with our goals.  Figure out what's behind our aspirations.  Often, a feeling of worthiness is ultimately the underlying motivation behind many of the goals we set for ourselves.  If we achieve ______, we'll be more important, liked, prosperous, respected, etc. 

What if this year, we decide we are already worthy.  We are valuable regardless of our accomplishments and extremely important apart from things like weight and financial contributions.   Happiness is a choice that we make in spite of outside circumstances. 

What if this year, we focused most on taking personal responsibility for who we will be each day and how we will show up in our families, work place and communities.  How about placing emphasis on strengthening relationships as a partner, spouse, parent, daughter, son, co-worker, employer, employee and/or friend.  In controlling our thoughts and reactions, we will come to understand how it supports our quest towards external goals, as those come easier when internal harmony exists.

 
This focus is the ultimate in stepping into your power as it allows you to step back and see your life from a much higher perspective and to prioritize in an effort to reach the most important goal of all; the goal that will serve all....a clear, purposeful, self-assured, confident, influential and graceful YOU.

You really are that powerful. 

Spring into Power ~ 3 Empowering Practices for the New Season!      March 2011

Body

Take care of yourself...rather than looking for things to take out of your diet, look for things to add like a few additional servings of an organic fruit or vegetable each day, a few extra glasses of water or a cup of organic herbal tea.  The thought of a drastic change stops many of us from even trying to be successful at better health.  It's more realistic to take baby steps and when you master one new behavior, commit to adding something else.  Make an appointment with an acupuncturist, an energy healer or a naturopathic or homeopathic practitioner and look for ways to supplement alternative methods of relieving stress and achieving balance.  Learning ways to help your body not absorb the overwhelming amounts of daily pressure it faces is one of the greatest ways to maintain wellness.   

 Mind

When we allow ourselves to be infested with negative thoughts, we unconsciously look for ways to support what we believe to be true.  Create an awareness of what you tell yourself each day.  When you are stuck in negative thought patterns such as, "I don't have enough" or "What if" thinking or when you catch yourself making decisions based on what you believe other people might think about you, at first, simply observe that you are having these thoughts.  After you've given yourself some time to notice these patterns, change how they affect you by imagining yourself hitting a delete button and canceling out the thought.  Then immediately replace it with a new one.  For example, if the thought is, "I don't have enough", replace it with, "In this moment, I have everything I need". 

 You might be thinking, "How can this help me?  I won't believe that replacement thought!"  The reality is, constantly reminding yourself of all that you lack and all that you're not will most definitely weaken you and over time, your life's decisions and choices will reflect the direction of your mind's compass.  If it's always pointing down, it will be impossible for you to go up.  What we think about is what we bring into our life.  

 Spirit

When you begin a practice such as taking a minimum of 5 minutes to sit quietly alone or a daily deep breathing exercise, you begin to crave its benefits.  If you are caught up in the chaos of everyday tensions, consider stopping for even just a minute, to close your eyes and do nothing but breathe-the kind of breaths that when you are done, you feel cleansed and refreshed.  Commit to counting 10 slow, deep breaths while erasing all thoughts at least once a day and see how you feel.  When you have created a habit, consider expanding this practice to a daily guided meditation and maybe even journal your thoughts.  Over time, you will feel calmer with more clarity for making important decisions.  It seems like a small step but it carries countless benefits.

January 2011                   

Removing the Stigma of Suicide                    

This was a very difficult newsletter for me to write because it's so unlike what my readers expect from me.  I'm compelled to sway from the normal tone in my writing for just this month in order to address an important topic.   If it makes a difference for even one person who reads it, it will have been worth the heaviness for all of us.

About a month ago, I was heading out of state for a funeral.  The days before leaving, as I tended to my responsibilities, I felt intense sadness that the world had lost such a beautiful beacon of light and I was devastated for her family who had lost a devoted wife, daughter and mother.  At different times throughout the day, I needed to share with others that I was leaving town.  Some asked the expected questions such as, "Where are you going?" and "Why?"  When I shared that I would be attending a funeral, it naturally led to the most difficult question to answer, "How did someone so young die?" 

In my mind, there is no stigma attached to suicide.  To me it's a no-brainer that anyone who has resorted to such an act, must have been suffering in ways many will thankfully never comprehend.  According to national statistics, 90% of all people who die by suicide have a diagnosable psychiatric disorder at the time of their death.   Therefore, I choose to believe that most people who take their own life are not capable of thinking clearly in that moment. Quite literally, the chemicals in their brains are not functioning as they should.  As a result of such beliefs, I became disheartened by the knee-jerk reactions and opinions of others as I went about my day.  

"I can't help it.  I think that is so selfish!"    
 "She won't be accepted into heaven!" 

"How could she have done that to those that love her?"

"That makes me so angry!"

"How could her family ever forgive her?"

My question back to them was, "Have you ever suffered from anxiety and/or depression or any other type of disorder of the brain?"  

Each of them said, no.  Some even said things like, "I guess I shouldn't judge because I don't understand."  

Let me be clear.  I'm not a doctor or a therapist.  I don't have clinical knowledge on  anxiety, depression and suicide beyond my own limited research and experience.  What I do know is that we can't just wish for that pain to go away.   And although not everyone depressed and anxious will go on to take their own life, people who face such disorders are truly suffering in incomprehensible ways.

My intent in addressing such a difficult topic is to create more awareness surrounding just a couple of its many facets.   According to the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention, about 15 percent of the population will suffer from clinical depression at some time during their lifetime. Thirty percent of all clinically depressed patients attempt suicide.  Depression does not discriminate....anyone is at risk. 

 Oftentimes, those suffering, do so in silence.  Over 8 years ago, during the time of my own encounter with anxiety and depression, nobody knew.  When I did finally talk to my doctor, I was not completely honest about the intensity of my symptoms.  I was angry at myself.  I had no idea what was wrong with me.  I kept yelling at myself to just snap out of it and I reminded myself constantly that I had no reason and no right to be feeling like I did.  I "acted" as if I was fine, yet secretly, I was panic stricken, suffering from terrible insomnia and sad to the point of despair.  I was confused and embarrassed and asked every day that God would just give me a sign that I would make it through the month, the week, the day and sometimes even just the night.    

Leading to my second area of concern is that, without question, my own struggle was brought on as a side effect of a medication.  I was prescribed a drug to treat a different and common, benign, physical problem and I suddenly found myself dealing with something so much bigger.      

Medications can be a life saver for many, including those who suffer from anxiety and depression.  However, it's important to be aware that the side effects of certain drugs could actually make such disorders worse.  In fact, in a small subset of people taking certain types of medications, there is a risk of increasing suicidal thoughts and behaviors, even in those who have never experienced such thoughts before.   

All we need to do is watch TV for a few days to learn about how many medications (for all types of ailments),  carry the warning of this very concerning side effect.   

Please, if you or someone you know is suffering, TALK.  Share how you are feeling with others.  When we share our stories, we realize that we're more alike than we know and our experiences and compassion may serve as a life saver for someone else.   

Seek help from a professional and support from family and friends.  Regardless of how difficult that conversation might be, do not be embarrassed and be sure to divulge all of your symptoms.  Many leading suicide resources report that a combination of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and medication is the best treatment for severe depression.  If you are considering taking a medication for any reason, FIRST educate yourself.  Know and share with loved ones the risks of ALL medications you are taking and ask to be closely monitored by a doctor AND family members while on such therapies, especially as you begin something new.   And if you do choose medication, find out in advance how you would need to wean yourself off safely in the event that it becomes necessary.   

Again, I do not claim to be an expert.  I am not against the use of medication nor am I qualified to give such advice.  My intention is to encourage thought-provoking conversations and what could be, life saving awareness.  Most of all, my intention is to do my part to help remove the stigma and shed light on new perspectives regarding suicide, which plagues far too many families.   Sometimes it's those uncomfortable subjects such as this one that leads us to consider just how powerful an impact we have the ability to make, both for ourselves and others.   In the words of Maya Angelou, "When we know better, we do better." 

December, 2010

Who's Irritating YOU?

He's so irritating!
She drives me crazy!
I cringe when he walks in the room!
I can't even listen to her talk!

Does this sound like something you hear yourself saying at times?  Is there someone in your life that just pushes your buttons?  Is there a person in your family, workspace or circle of acquaintances that you find yourself avoiding because they simply drive you nuts? 

YOU are NOT alone!

This is a very common theme that I hear from both my private clients and those in my workshops.  I invite you to consider a perspective adjustment that may change the way you think.

In such a situation, what is really the problem?  Many would say, "It's the irritating person!  We must figure out a way to change him or her!"  The powerful person would say, "I'm the problem!" 

Using myself as an example, many years back, I had a particular person in my life that drove me nuts.  I will not go into detail for privacy reasons but suffice it to say, I found myself thinking about her constantly, wondering why she acted the way she did.  I allowed her to frustrate me on a weekly and sometimes daily basis to a point where I found myself complaining about her to my husband, my mother and my best friends.  My thoughts about her could often be translated to "Why doesn't she listen to me?" which further boiled down to the embarrassing, "Why doesn't she think and act just like me?"

I finally realized, I was giving away my power to be happy in far too many moments....wasting it on complaining, avoiding, dwelling, and aggravation.  I finally realized that there was a lesson to be learned in such a relationship and in fact, this amazing person, without even knowing it, was trying to give me such a gift. 

When I jumped off my high horse, leaving my ego on the saddle, I was able to ask myself, "What is she trying to teach me?"  From such a perspective, the answer was obvious.  She was putting a mirror in front of me, showing me who I was choosing to be in this relationship.  This choice, from a deeper level, was not okay with me and a part of me knew that all along.  I was trying to save her.  And it wasn't for HER benefit.  It was for mine.  I wanted her to see that I was the all-knowing.  I wanted her to know that I could fix her.  On an intuitive level, I knew this was my motive and it was not in alignment in any way with who I am and how I think about people.  So really the irritation was never actually with her in the first place.  When in her presence, the reality was that I was irritated with MYSELF!

Now, many years later there is NOTHING this person could ever do that could possibly frustrate or irritate me.  I am grateful for the role she served as I have a new appreciation for people and I have learned to accept them for who they are and where they are on their own personal journey.  I believe that people do not need to be fixed but may just need help uncovering the greatness that already lies within them.  I have learned that my desire to help others is not something to  be forced but to be offered without strings.  I have accepted that I can not help everyone because not everyone wants or needs my help!  And lastly, I have learned that when someone evokes such a response in me, it's time to ask myself, "What is it about ME that I am allowing this person to affect me in such a way?" and "What is this person unknowingly trying to teach me about myself?" 

Are you giving away your power to be happy in too many moments?  Is there someone in your life right now trying to teach you something about yourself?
Will you continue to expect them to think like you or will you
access YOUR power and search for the gift?

August 2010

Everything We Do Really Does Matter
 Recently, I had a memorable experience at the grocery store, of all places!  It was not the store I typically shop at, as it's about 20 minutes from my house, however on this particular day, it was conveniently located on my way home from an appointment.  It was the store's busiest day and time of the week so there were at least 8-10 people working at the deli counter.  I pushed the button for my number that would determine when it would be my turn to order and fortunately, there were quite a few people ahead of me so I was forced to wait. 

As I stood there, I watched all the employees busy at work but only one stood out, clearly ready to fulfill the true role of the job.  Only one was there to serve.  If I had to guess, he was probably somewhere in his late 50's or early 60's and I couldn't help but stare at him as he worked.  I quickly motioned to my children as they wandered the produce aisle, close-by.  When they were at my side, I whispered to them, "Just watch."  I knew they would pick this guy out just as quickly as I did.

He looked each of his customers in the eye.  He smiled so sincerely that anyone he waited on knew, his only mission for that moment was to make them happy.  He moved quickly, respectful of his customers' time and he asked each of them cheerfully, "How can I serve you?"  He exuded an inner happiness and joy that just made you smile watching him.  When each customer said thank you at the close of their order, he took the extra time to stop everything and thoughtfully and with intention, say, "Thank you.  It's been my pleasure to serve you." 

As I watched, none of the other employees were rude or disrespectful, they all were doing their jobs with effort but only one was working a mission, not a job.  I secretly hoped when it was my turn, I would have the privilege of being his customer.  Sure enough, it was him who called my number.

What makes some people use their job as a means to just a paycheck and others to use their job as a means to make the world a better place for themselves and those around them? 

It was amazing how his energy and attitude rubbed off on both my children and I.  In his own small way, he shined his bright light on each and every person he came into contact with and it was an honor to watch the effect he had on each of his customers. 

I know for my 15 year old son, my 10 year old daughter and I, the impact was beyond what he could have guessed.  We talked about him the whole time we shopped and all the way home.  Almost a month later, we are still using him as an example of who we choose to be each day.  When my children or I are grouchy or frustrated, one of us will say, "Remember the guy at the grocery store.  If he can choose to be that happy when he's serving people deli meat, you can choose to be happy, too!"  Just thinking about him changes our attitude.

Consequently, when it's time for me to go grocery shopping, suddenly a 20 minute drive doesn't seem so bad.

Most of the time, we never know how much our actions have the ability to positively affect others.  A choice, a smile, a compliment, an attitude, an action or a gift -- everything we do really does matter.

July 2010

Is it Just Luck?

I'll admit it, I'm a pretty lucky woman.  I have two children who make me smile when I think about who they choose to be each day.  I have a husband who has loved me unconditionally with his whole heart since I was 15 years old.  The support I have from my parents and the parents of my husband literally makes me cry in gratitude when I stop to think of all 4 of them, which is constantly.  My husband and I have incredible memories of times shared with family members at various events throughout each year.  I have a large support group of friends whom have enriched my life in ways I could not possibly measure.  I have 3 very special friends....best friends....each so different and amazing in their own special way and they do nothing short of feed my soul.

I've been told so many times, "you are so lucky."  One can easily deduct from what I've written above that I am immersed in gratitude but is my life really the product of just luck? I don't believe so and there is never a day that goes by when I don't have a full understanding that I hold a big part in creating my life.

Parenting is tough work.  It's constant guiding, teaching, disciplining, reminding and patience-testing all while loving unconditionally.  So how did they get to be kids who actively go out of their way to make other people's day better and independently look for activities that make the world a better place to be?  Is it really just luck?

Marriage is tough work.  It's constant negotiating, compromising, accommodating, adapting and sharing all while loving unconditionally.  So how did we get to a point where, after almost 25 years, we still can't wait to see each other at the end of the day?  Is it really just luck?

Relationships are hard work.  You can't build them, whether with family or friends, without acknowledging the effort that goes into how we choose to show up around each and every person in our life.  If we choose to react to others in ways that constantly elicit drama and stress, our relationships, or lack of, will reflect that choice.  If we choose to adapt, support, forgive and have compassion, while acknowledging the other is always doing the best they can with the tools they have in each moment, strong relationships grow.  So should I assume that my relationships are a result of luck?

It may sound like I'm boasting, but let me be very clear; I am FAR from perfect.  I yell at my kids just like many of you!  I'm exasperated by my husband's mere breathing at times and I have plenty of traits and qualities that he'll tell you MORE than drive him crazy!  I am constantly forgetting important things.  I have time management and focusing skills that my best friends will tell you are comparable to most toddlers, and I allow myself to continuously thrust my tardiness on anyone unlucky enough to be awaiting my arrival.  Yes, at times, I get defensive, irritated and frustrated, choosing behaviors that can only be described as ugly.  I will not bore you with the rest of my faults.....I know about and own every one of them. 

The point is, we are human.  With that understanding, we are able to take responsibility for those qualities in ourselves that can use improvement as well as incorporate compassion for the lack of perfection in others, which is the foundation for relationships that are more deep and fulfilling than we could possibly imagine.

So, in evaluating the lives of the "lucky", we can choose to see "luck" or "creation and choice".  If we focus on how lucky others are because they have great relationships or more money or whatever it is we wish we had, we end up in roles that will never make us quite as "lucky" as those we admire.  Roles such as the victim, martyr and such are roles we take on as the result of certain challenges or events but it's our choice to stay in those roles or to create new ones that allow our powerful inner wisdom to shine through.  We have the ability to choose new reactions or not react at all, to the choices of those around us.  It's our choice (one might say responsibility) to seek out the multitude of ways to become better parents, better spouses, better children, better sisters and brothers, better friends and better members of our community.  It's our choice to either see mediocrity as a life sentence we can't change or to instead seek out the greatness that is already inside each and every one of us willing to claim it.

It's our choice to be powerful.

June 2010

What Will They Think?

A consistent theme that comes up with many of my coaching clients is the fear of what other people think.  Those fears range from, "what will people think if I make a mistake, or if I don't do what they think I should do,"  to, "what will people think if I'm not perfect," to everything in between.

Allowing these fears to stop us from living our life on our terms is giving away our power.  Why do we do this?

Many people believe someone else's opinion of them more than they believe in the power to create their own opinion of themselves.  They fear that they are not smart enough or strong enough or whatever enough to possibly be the expert on things that are truly important in life.

Living our life focusing too much on what people will think about our choices and decisions does not serve us.   When calculating our next move, if we are left to consult only our own inner navigation system, regardless of how big or small that move is,
many of us would rather do nothing at all in fear of being "wrong".  This fear hinders us in ways we can't even imagine. 

When we base our decisions on what we perceive the judgments of others will be, we lose the unique value that only we can bring to all of life's situations and challenges.
 

Here's a few reminders to help you take back your power:

• What someone else thinks about me is none of my business!

• What someone else thinks of me is based on a lifetime of their values and experiences and really has nothing to do with me.

• Someone else's opinion of me is just that- their opinion, their "stuff" and not fact.

So if you're worrying about someone else judging your next move, stop. 
Stay focused on your intentions and the fact that you are doing the best you can with the tools that you have in each moment.  Decide right now that the most important opinion for you to consult is yours.

May 2010

Just Breathe!

Over the last several months, I've found myself frequently giving away my power by doing a lot more "running around" than usual and I know it's time to re-focus.  I don't necessarily mean the running around we do when we're tackling the endless errands or while tending to the high demands of stressful jobs, a home, children and their many activities.  Yes, all of that can be challenging, but far more stressful is the imbalance we create in choosing the thoughts we allow to "run around" inside our head's. 

It's that constant inner battle of, "I can't believe I didn't get to XXX today!"  And, "I have to remember to do YYYY tomorrow!"  And, "I didn't accomplish nearly what I needed to do," which leads to the inevitable, "What is wrong with me?  Why can't I be more effective?"  

We've all felt blessed with that sigh of accomplishment when we finish a necessary task and we long for the high we'll receive from that next check mark on our list.  For many of us though, we cross one item off and our very next move is to create a new and sometimes, even more pressing task, leaving us to wonder, "Does it ever end?"

The answer is YES!  All that we have is this very moment.  We can use it to fret about yesterday and earlier today and we can create anxiety over later and tomorrow, but do we need to do that? 

What if we used this moment to take 3 deep breaths and to appreciate the ability, freedom and motivation to choose what we'll do next and how we'll allow ourselves to think about that choice and its consequences?  What if we used this moment to decide what is really most important to us and in the best interest of our family?  What if we used this moment to take something OFF the list? What if we stopped our thoughts from "running around" and allowed ourselves to remember that perfection is impossible and we are doing the best we can with the tools we have in each moment? 

Fighting the obvious by forcing ourselves to think we can be superheroes is energy we could be using to enjoy the moment exactly as it is.  We can use that energy to remind ourselves of our intentions, our priorities and how we really want to show up in the world.  No, it doesn't change the fact that we have much to do each day, but it does change the level of stress we feel and how we affect those around us.

So do yourself a favor, stop right now, and if possible, close your eyes and BREATHE.  Three big ones through your nose and out through your mouth.  Ahhh! So what will you take off your list?

April 2010

 The Key to Your Better Future is YOU!  Taking 100% Responsibility

As April approaches, it is a time of re-birth and renewal.  One of the ways we can step into our power is through self-evaluation and determining which of our behaviors and thought patterns serve us best and which ones do not.....sort of a spring cleaning for the soul!   If you polled many of my coaching clients, they would tell you I'm always sharing my philosophy on the importance of taking 100% responsibility for our thoughts, actions and reactions in order to reach our personal and professional best.....But it's not always easy!

To quote the late philosopher, Jim Rohn, "The key to your better future is you."  When we allow ourselves to think that other people, circumstances or situations are always to blame for our misfortune, unhappiness or lack of success, it renders us powerless. 

We may not always be able to control what happens to us, but we have all the power we need to control how we choose to think about what happens to us.  When we take a moment to  acknowledge our own responsibility in how we choose to resent, dwell on or regret (we all do it from time to time!), we are able to realize the limitless alternative ways of thinking that serve us far better.  There is nothing more powerful than taking responsibility for how we choose to think, as it always leads to how we choose to show up in the world.

Over the last few years, when I'm disappointed or upset with a situation or person, I've found myself asking such questions as, "How can this situation make me a better person?"  Or, "What can I learn from this situation/person?"  I'll admit, sometimes it takes me awhile to get from a place of judgement /bitterness to a place of true strength, but when I finally arrive, I know I'm  far better off because it allows an immediate shift of energy on the entire situation from negative to positive.

When relationships or circumstances get challenging, as they do for us all, I seek to remind myself of the many inspirational people I've known or read about who have battled illnesses, or lost limbs or suffered unthinkable losses, only to choose to turn around, inspire others and change the world with their attitudes of forgiveness, gratitude and grace. 

Now that's power! 

 March 2010

How Heavy is Your Sack Of Potatoes?

Many years ago I was grateful to have attended a presentation by a motivational speaker from Australia named Amanda Gore.  One of the biggest things I took away from her energetic talk was her analogy of the sack of potatoes!   

She encouraged her audience to create a visual of how we carry around a sack on our back and every time someone we know or even someone we don't know drops a comment, an opinion or an action that offends us or makes us feel bad about ourselves, it's like they are dropping their own potatoes. Instead of acknowledging that the potato has nothing to do with us and actually stems from the values and experiences of the person who dropped it, we pick it up anyway and we choose to put it in our sack.  After picking up other people's potatoes and carrying them around for a lifetime in the form of limiting self beliefs, remorse and guilt, eventually our sack becomes so heavy, we are hunched over, depleted and resentful.   

We can simply choose to drop the sack.   

  Do you carry around the effects of other people's choices?  When other people insult or offend you, how do you react?  Do you swallow it and hold it in and then build up anger and resentment?  Do you yell or talk back and demand that this person respect you, as you experience their defenses rising as a result of your preaching?  How would it feel to instead stand in your power, knowing that someone else's opinions and choices are simply not "your stuff"?  How would it feel to take a deep breath, let it bounce right off you, knowing that your opinion of you is the most important one of all? 

How heavy is your sack and are you ready to lighten the load?

This month, how many of those old potatoes are you willing to drop from your sack?  Starting today, create that awareness of your power and acknowledge those big and small spuds that other people drop in your path by smiling, standing tall and stepping around each one.  You may still trip over a few, and that's okay........accessing your power takes practice!